Do you ever find yourself watching others embrace life with gusto, a pang of envy striking as you wonder what secret ingredient you’re missing? Janice Holland once walked this same path of self – doubt. Despite having so much to be thankful for, happiness seemed like an elusive dream, leading her to question her very nature. She tried faking it, only to be pulled back into the depths of depression by a persistent, dark void within.
Through her healing journey, Holland uncovered three significant obstacles that prevent us from simply choosing happiness. Overcoming these hurdles is the key to transforming our lives from a state of mere survival, punctuated by fleeting moments of joy, to one of true thriving, filled with inspiration and a deep – seated love for who we are and what we do.
1. Validating the Shadows of the Past
Our unprocessed painful experiences are like emotional time bombs, with their energy trapped within the recesses of our bodies. To keep these memories at bay, we expend a vast amount of emotional energy, building walls around them. However, this containment also blocks our ability to fully experience positive emotions.
For Holland, the root of her struggle was the sexual abuse she endured as a child. For years, she downplayed the significance of these experiences, convincing herself that she was fine. But these unacknowledged traumas sapped her vitality and left her emotionally guarded, with only a shallow connection to her feelings.
Working through this pain with a therapist was a turning point. By allowing herself to grieve and process the emotions associated with her past, she was able to free up emotional energy and make room for genuine happiness. Just as a dam holding back a river must be opened to allow the water to flow freely, we must tear down the walls around our past traumas to let our emotional selves thrive.
2. Surrendering the Illusion of Control
Past hurts often lead us to seek control as a means of self – protection. We strive to create a predictable life, where everything and everyone behaves as we expect. When our partner doesn’t respond to a text promptly or our children don’t meet our academic expectations, we react with anger or anxiety, trying to force the situation back into our perceived “safe” zone.
But this constant pursuit of control comes at a cost. Joy and happiness thrive in the realm of the spontaneous, the free, and the unpredictable. Many of us mistake a sense of safety for true happiness, remaining stuck in a survival mode where every action is calculated to avoid potential pain.
Holland’s own experience was a testament to this. After an abusive childhood, she overcompensated by seeking success and perfectionism, trying to control how others perceived her and her family. She took on extra work when a colleague slacked off, planned dates and put them in her husband’s name to create an illusion of his investment, and even bribed her children to present a perfect family image.
However, she soon realized that this approach was counterproductive. Letting go of control was a difficult but liberating process. It led to a newfound sense of peace and joy, as she allowed herself and those around her the freedom to be authentic.
3. Actively Seeking the Light
The age – old adage “what we look for, we will find” holds true when it comes to happiness. When we focus on gratitude and the positive aspects of our lives, we create a ripple effect, attracting more of what brings us joy. Conversely, if we’re preoccupied with the negative, we miss out on the abundance of happiness that surrounds us.
This third obstacle is closely linked to the first two. Unresolved past traumas cause us to unconsciously seek validation in current painful experiences, while the need for control makes us overly focused on future outcomes, leaving little room to appreciate the present.
Holland made the conscious decision to look for happiness. She started by journaling the things that brought her joy, and over time, this became a more instinctive practice. Sharing her journey with a friend also helped, as they encouraged each other to stay positive.
Of course, the journey isn’t always smooth. There are times when she slips back into old patterns, especially when she neglects self – care. But she has learned that by regularly engaging in self – care and consciously choosing to focus on the good, she can maintain a happier mindset.
If you’re ready to move beyond merely surviving and start truly living, these three strategies offer a roadmap. Begin by journaling or seeking professional help to process past experiences. Then, identify areas where you can loosen your grip on control and allow life to unfold naturally. Finally, make a commitment to actively seek joy in your daily life.
By taking these steps, you’ll gradually find that your past pain loses its hold, replaced by a newfound freedom and a deep – seated joy. You’ll become one of “those people” who exude happiness, not because life is perfect, but because you’ve learned to embrace the beauty and joy in every moment. So, which strategy will you start with today?
