“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” ~Henry David Thoreau
My dear friend has a rather morbid yet thought-provoking joke. She says that dying will be a relief because it will finally free her from what she calls the “heavy burden of judging.” She imagines herself lying in a hospital bed, and just moments before taking her last breath, her eyes land on the ceiling, and she can’t help but think, “What a hideous green.” It’s a darkly humorous take on a truth many of us can relate to—how often our minds are filled with judgment, even in the most unexpected moments.
Here’s an interesting challenge for you: Promise yourself that for the rest of the day, you won’t pass judgment on your friends, nor on any strangers you encounter. Think about that chatty friend who never seems to take a breath, or that acquaintance who’s always drowning in a sea of complaints about their life. And don’t forget those strangers on the street, in the coffee shop, or in the waiting room. Notice the little thoughts that pop up in your mind about them.
I call it a “modest proposal” because I’m not even touching on the complex topic of self-judgment, let alone delving into the judgment of larger-than-life figures like BP or Gaddafi. No, I’m simply asking you to take a break from judging the people you interact with in your daily life. But be warned—you might find it incredibly difficult to go even a few minutes without slipping into that judgmental mindset!
So, you might be wondering, what’s so wrong with judging others? To answer that, we first need to understand the difference between judgment and discernment. Discernment is like a clear-eyed observer. It’s simply seeing things as they are, without adding any extra layers of opinion or expectation. It’s a neutral, objective take on the world around us.
Judgment, on the other hand, is when we start comparing the way things or people are to the way we think they should be. It’s that little voice in our head that says, “This isn’t right,” or “They should be different.” When we judge, we’re expressing dissatisfaction with the current state of affairs and holding onto a desire for change.
Let’s take that talkative friend as an example. If we say, “She can talk non-stop for fifteen minutes,” in a matter-of-fact, neutral tone, that’s discernment. We’re just stating a fact. But if we say the same thing with a sigh, a roll of the eyes, or a tone of annoyance, then it becomes judgment. That negative tone reveals our unhappiness with her behavior and our wish that she would be more quiet.
The same goes for the friend who’s always complaining. A simple, neutral statement like “He complained about his life the entire evening” is just an observation. But if our tone is laced with frustration or disappointment, we’ve crossed the line into judgment territory.
Now, think about those fleeting encounters with strangers. How often do we glance at someone and immediately start forming opinions? “She’s too overweight,” “His fashion sense is terrible.” These seemingly harmless thoughts are actually small acts of judgment. We don’t know the story behind the person we’re judging. Maybe that woman has a medical condition that causes weight gain, or perhaps she’s using food as a coping mechanism for deeper emotional pain. And that man in the mismatched tie? Maybe it’s the only tie he owns, or he simply doesn’t place the same importance on fashion as we do.
So, judgment is really a recipe for unhappiness. It starts with our dissatisfaction with how someone is and is mixed with our stubborn desire for them to change. The more we cling to that desire, the more our unhappiness grows. But here’s the good news: we don’t have to cut people out of our lives just because they don’t meet our expectations. We can choose whether or not to spend time with them without passing judgment. When we let go of that need to make others fit our mold, we feel a sense of peace and freedom.
Try this little experiment. Think of a couple of friends who tend to get on your nerves. Can you accept them as they are, without wishing they were different? Can you open your heart to your chatty friend’s exuberance or your complaining friend’s struggles? Walt Whitman once said, “I contain multitudes,” and the same can be said for the world around us. It’s a vast, diverse place, big enough for all types of people—the talkative and the quiet, the complainers and the optimists.
Judgment is so deeply ingrained in our habits that we often don’t even realize when we’re doing it. Unlearning this behavior is a lifelong journey, but it’s one that’s well worth taking. When we stop judging, we feel the benefits in every part of ourselves. Our minds become lighter, and our hearts more open. And who knows, maybe if we can let go of this heavy burden of judgment, we won’t be lying in a hospital bed, criticizing the color of the ceiling, but instead, peacefully accepting the world as it is.
