“Fear is the opposite of love. Love is the absence of fear. Whatever you do out of fear will create more fear. Whatever you do out of love will create more love.” ~Osho
For the longest time, I was completely oblivious to the fact that fear was the silent puppeteer pulling the strings of my life. I went about my days thinking that every choice I made, every act of kindness, every pursuit of success, was driven by love. In my mind, being good, responsible, and achieving great things was the embodiment of love. But looking back, I now see that my entire life was a carefully constructed fortress, built not out of love, but out of the desperate need to keep myself safe – a need born from fear.
From the outside, I was the picture of success. I navigated adult life with what seemed like ease, appearing practical and put – together. But in the rare moments of quiet that I allowed myself, I felt like a stranger in my own life. There was a dull ache, a sense of disconnection, as if I was merely an observer watching my life unfold on a screen. To fill those voids and push away those uncomfortable feelings, I kept myself busy, always doing, always moving. All the while, I was completely unaware that fear was in the driver’s seat, whispering insidious messages into my ear: “Keep yourself small. Don’t speak up. You’re not good enough, so work harder. Love has to be earned.” And because I didn’t recognize these words as the 产物 of fear, I took them as gospel truth, never realizing that I was missing the most important kind of love – self – love.
The Shattering Realization
The moment I finally recognized fear for what it was came like a thunderclap, shattering the illusion I had built around myself. It was March 2020, a time of global upheaval. I sat on my bed, tears streaming down my face, consumed by the shame of what I perceived as failure. On the other side of the door were my husband and young kids, and I was filled with dread at the thought of facing them during the pandemic lockdown. With no school or work to provide a reprieve, I was terrified. I was afraid that I would let them down, that I wouldn’t be able to be the calm and loving mom and wife they needed. But mostly, I was scared of my own inability to cope. Even though I had spent so much time avoiding my own thoughts, using noise and distraction to fill the quiet, that alone time was my only source of recharge.
I had spent my entire life in a never – ending cycle of striving, pushing myself to the limit, desperate to prove that I was good enough. But no matter how many goals I achieved, how much I accomplished, it was never enough. In that moment of utter exhaustion and despair, a thought broke through the fog: “There has to be another way. I cannot go on like this.” And then, a quiet voice, almost a whisper, said, “The work is inside you.” That was the turning point. I began to slow down, to feel the emotions I had spent a lifetime running away from. Sadness, failure, shame, guilt, and resentment all came bubbling to the surface. As I confronted these feelings, my heart started to open, and I finally saw the truth – I had been living in a constant state of fear.
Fear vs. Love: The Great Divide
Once I started to connect with my body, I noticed stark differences between fear and love. Fear was a loud, demanding tyrant, always pushing me to hurry, to move faster, creating an internal pressure that was almost suffocating. Love, on the other hand, was a gentle, patient guide, encouraging me to take my time, assuring me that the answers I sought were within me. Physically, fear made me feel tight, restricted, and on edge, with shallow breathing, tense shoulders, and a racing heart. Love, in contrast, brought a sense of expansiveness, ease, deep breaths, and relaxed muscles. Fear lived in the realm of the mind, spinning endless stories of what – ifs and worst – case scenarios. Love, however, was firmly rooted in the present moment, inviting me to grow and step forward with courage.
I realized that so much of my life had been governed by the rules of fear. I had walked on eggshells, afraid to make mistakes, constantly worried that I would be exposed as a fraud. This behavior traced back to my childhood, where as the oldest child, I didn’t want to cause trouble for my parents. Now, I could clearly see that this was all part of fear’s playbook.
The Journey from Fear to Love
I’ve come to understand that fear is an inevitable part of the human experience. It serves a purpose, warning us when there’s real danger. But it shouldn’t be the lens through which we view the world. When fear starts to creep in, here’s what I do:
- Ground in the body: Instead of getting lost in a spiral of anxious thoughts, I close my eyes, take a deep, cleansing breath, inhaling through my nose and sighing out through my mouth. I place a hand on my heart or belly, focusing on the sensations in my body – the tightness, the warmth, or the stillness. Then, I ask myself, “What am I really scared of?”
- Distinguish the voices: When making a decision, I pay close attention to how the thought feels. If it’s urgent, pressured, or heavy, I know it’s fear speaking. If it’s grounded, spacious, or light, that’s the voice of love.
- Embrace the fear: I’ve learned that pushing fear away only makes it stronger. Following Jill Bolte Taylor’s advice, I sit with the fear for sixty to ninety seconds, without attaching any stories or thoughts to it. It’s uncomfortable, but with practice, I’ve seen the fear pass. I also engage in a dialogue with my fear, saying, “I see you. I know you’re trying to keep me safe. What do you want me to know?”
- Choose love in small ways: Transformation doesn’t have to be dramatic. Small choices, like choosing self – compassion over self – criticism, being present instead of anxious, or facing the truth instead of avoiding it, gradually rewire my nervous system.
Every day is a new opportunity to choose love over fear. I no longer try to silence the fear or shame myself for feeling it. Instead, I breathe, I listen, and I make a conscious choice. And with each choice in favor of love, I come one step closer to living a life that is truly free.
